For We both Lied
by Isilme
Summary: Tohma`s angsty POV. What if the past had been even worse than what it seems? Is Tohma able to forgive himself?


Authoress' Notes: My second Gravi fic! This is weird, twisted, sad...but hey! I've just started to appreciate Tohma ^^U If you know some of my other stories you'll have realized that I make characters suffer... 

I have some lovely friend out there who always says **shi-neeee!**-though she's gentler with characters mwahahaa (yeah Aya-kun this is dedicated to you). Lots of thanks to Naomi Hunter, who has kindly beta-read this for me. I really appreciate your work, I'm soooo thankful! And the rest of you, if you like this...er...review ok? ^o~

FOR WE BOTH LIED 

_"Can't stand it. I want him for myself, I love him, I really love Tohma. I'm going crazy."_

"This wrinkled, dirty piece of paper. I should have burnt it when I was resolved to do it. I don't even know why I'm keeping it, why I took it from his notebook in the first place. This is an evidence. Everything was my fault. Yes, you went crazy. You weren't sane at that moment, Yuki Kitazawa". 

Tohma Seguchi rested his cheek on his hand. He had overworked again, and now he was paying the price. At certain hours of the night, his consciousness started to overflow with memories. 

'Seguchi-san', said one of the housemaids, at the other side of the door. 

 'May I bring you some tea? And some sleeping would be good for your health, sir'.

'Thanks, Maki-san, but you don't have to worry. I'll go to sleep soon, you should do the same'.

'Goodnight, sir'. 

* *

(Tohma's POV)

I quite regret having concealed this to everybody, but it's too shameful. I was the origin of the matter, and _he_ doesn't even know. I didn't want him to hate me. He's the most important one for me. You weren't, _sensei_, not quite. I must admit everything was my fault, you were a nice guy, I trusted you. I entrusted my dearest one to your care, and I failed to notice what consequences that would bring.

It's been many years ago that I first met him. My father was acquainted with the Uesugi clan. By that time I didn't see him a lot, I was busy with Nittle Grasper and besides he didn't like the idea that I had become an influential person in the world of music, which made me more powerful than he'd never had been. It was that coincidence. I was forced to pay him a visit, and I met Uesugi-san, a Kyoto monk, and his two older children, Mika and Eiri. He was only fourteen. I can remember that Mika-chan opened her eyes in amazement and stood up.

 'You're the leader of Nittle Grasper!!' she said.

I smiled, it wasn't the first time something like that happened to me. But, I couldn't take my eyes off the most beautiful, angel-like face I had ever seen. Blonde hair, porcelain skin, and big green eyes. Eiri-san was extremely handsome. He smiled at me in a charming manner, though he didn't say anything. I was deeply stricken, and I must say I haven't yet recovered from that impression. 

'We don't know who this boy of mine resembles. It's being a problem,' I heard his father say. 'Why?,' my father asked. 

'You know what children are like. They tease them. All the time. With all that _you-don't-look-Japanese_ argument. And it's a pity that it's affecting him, he's very good at school. He ought to be my heir as the ruler of the temple, you know.'

I looked at the boy, who was looking down in concern. How could that be possible? Mistreated because of his looks?, I thought. The world was surely going crazy.. 

'I'm taking them both to the terrace, father. Shall you come with me? We can have tea outside,' I proposed, and both siblings followed me without hesitation. 

We sat outside and tea was served to us. Yuki looked depressed. His sister began a conversation, she liked our music, she said: gladly, she wasn't dull in her talk as most girls were, I thought  of her to be really sharp. But, I was too worried for the little man. 

'Hey, Eiri-san, what's the matter?', I asked.

He stopped stirring the spoon inside his cup. 

'He's too fed up with the fair-looks subject', Mika said, caring. 

'But you shouldn't pay attention to people. I'm sure some of them are nice', I told him.

'Not too many. I'd really love to get away from here', he said.

'To where?'

'To where there are people who look like me, or at least boys that won't tease me all day long. There would always be time for me to come back. I want to fly away'..

'Eiri…', Mika started. 

'I could go to school anywhere else'.

'But what about us? Are you leaving father behind? And poor little Tatsuha-chan? He's only eight years old. Stop talking nonsense'.

I didn't believe that was nonsense. The boy had brains, it was a pity that someone like him should waste his time chased by the members of some little school-mafia. I decided to do something. I'd take him somewhere else with me, and he would be happy, and I'd look after him. The following year, when Nittle Grasper summer tour ended, I resolved to go to the USA and go after a master's degree in business. 

'Will you come with me? It's a completely different place. You can learn English and do lots of things without being bothered'.

'Do you want to take me with you, Tohma-san? Why?', he asked, confused. 'And besides, my father won't let me'. 

'He agrees. Only if you come back to become his successor someday, that is. I think you'll be happy there'.

His eyes shone with happiness. Just as I had promised, we left for the USA in autumn. I wish I had never done it. If I only had known then…he would have stayed with his family…he wouldn't have suffered that much, not even in his old school. 

I wanted him to have some freedom, so he stayed in a very nice, modern students residence where he didn't lack anything. He went to high school in the morning and I did my best to see him every evening. I didn't want him to feel lonely. But he didn't, he looked so happy there… And just then I made the big mistake. I thought it would be nice for him to keep a Japanese tutor, so that he wouldn't forget his origin and culture, and most of all to help him through his studies, particularly those of literature, of which he was very fond. 

Making good use of my acquaintances, I met Yuki Kitazawa. He was about my age, a handsome, clever man who loved writing and teaching all the same. He was smart and gentle, and I couldn't step away the first time he kissed me. Nor the second. We became lovers, keeping it a secret, of course. At the same time, Eiri grew very fond of his tutor.. He enjoyed his company more than anything, he said, and well...I just didn't worry. He was safe with Yuki, wasn't he?, I thought. Though I felt a bit jealous, perhaps. Eiri was always the person I loved most. I cared for him more than what I ever cared for Yuki. There lay the problem. 

'I've decided to become a writer', Eiri told me one evening. 'I want to be as good as sensei'.

'I'm sure you have talent', I smiled. 

'Everyone will read my novels, and he will be so proud…', his eyes sparkled. 

Yeah, that *was* love. Not a mere teenage whim, not just affection. It was as if he wouldn't be able to survive with that man near…I thought that, and I was right. I felt guilty, perhaps he ought to know the truth, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I decided to break up with Yuki, to give him a chance to fall for my dear boy and make him happy…

'Why? But…Tohma…Tell me what have I done?!', he said, bewildered.

We were having a drink in his flat, I had told him simply that we couldn't go on. I would never tell him the real reason. 

'That's not it, you haven't done anything. I don't know what else to say', I looked into his eyes. 

He came closer to me and tried to embrace me. I stopped him.

'Won't you tell me the truth? I really love you', he whispered.

'Forget about me in this way, please. I guess we're no good for each other', I pushed him away.

'I'm not going to give up', he said, calmly stepping away. 

He wasn't a dope; he knew everything, how much I cared for Eiri, how much I wanted him to care for Eiri, and of course, he was aware of the boy's affection towards him. 

_"I won't be turned down. I'll do anything to get Tohma back. Anything…"_.

I wish I had found that second piece of evidence sooner. I would have never thought he could go that mad, that drunk, that dangerous… He considered the boy a hard-working, nice pupil. There was no other reason to hurt him. I was the reason, I wished I had died at that very moment…

That night I had a bad premonition and rushed towards Yuki's apartment. It was too late. My little beloved had received an undeserved punishment. My heart broke as I saw him kneeling on the floor, holding that gun in his trembling pale hands. He couldn't stop crying; his sensei lay dead at his side. I run to hold him, feeling immense pain myself. 

'It's not…not your fault, Eiri-san…', I mumbled, while quickly making up a strategy to cover the "accident" so that Eiri wouldn't be punished. He was suffering enough. 

'He…he wanted…I…scared…', he was talking in undertone, hiding his face in my chest. 

'Shh…it will be alright, don't worry. I'll protect you…'

I'll never forget the moment when he looked up at me, his eyes full of flowing tears, and asked:

'Can't I…die too?'

I couldn't answer, I held him tighter and wept silently. No, he wasn't going to die. I would take care of that. 

Eiri just stopped being himself. He wouldn't speak for hours, it really hurt to be next to him, realizing that there was nothing I could do. No one asked him about the crime, I was far to powerful and influential by then. Though there were strange rumours, justice thought it a suicide. Sometimes I thought, and still think that, if when Yuki had raped Eiri, the boy couldn't have defended himself, I myself would have gone to kill him. I would have done it without a single doubt. 

_"He wants a single, innocent thing. He won't have it"._

I definitely should burn this notebook. But I'm glad I found it. 

Time went by, we came back to Japan some months after the incident, I rejoined Nittle Grasper after our long holidays and he finished high school in Tokyo. He was no longer the Eiri I knew. He started writing novels under the pseudonym "Yuki", everybody calls him by that name now. Except me, that is. When I met his sister Mika again, I decided to marry her. It was the only way left if I didn't want to lose him completely, for he was locked up in his flat most of the time, writing, remembering, suffering…

Now I must say I'm jealous of Shindou-san; I still don't know how he's gotten the whole of Eiri's attention. He's making him forget. God bless the brat, I can't hate him if he makes Eiri happy.

The truth is, I only hate myself. I have everything I should want in life, plus an extra amount of sorrow and remorse and unrequited love, if we must call it so. 

Yuki Kitazawa, you said you loved me. You were killed by the one who loved you most. Among the regrets I feel, one thing I know for sure. Eiri was the only one of the three who never lied. 

THE END


End file.
